


Wasteland Woman,a personal lifestyle blog by Final Pam

by DigitalMeowMix



Category: Monster Factory - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: Blogging, Epistolary, F/M, Gen, Post-Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 06:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12953382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalMeowMix/pseuds/DigitalMeowMix
Summary: Check out the hottest lifestyle blog on the internet! A blog about modern post apocalyptic living.





	Wasteland Woman,a personal lifestyle blog by Final Pam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [godtiermeme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/gifts).



> Thank you to raininshadows and Prinzenhasserin for their great betaing skills!

**Hello, my dear internet underlings!**

My Metal Husband says I should start a blog to talk about the life of Final Pam. I think this is a great idea. The life of Pam is filled with action and suspense, and it is definitely a tale that everyone should hear. Metal Husband says it would fill a niche in the blogging market. I made him a spinach-filled quiche for dinner but apparently that is a different word, but he ate the quiche anyway. I am a lucky woman. And I am very excited to start my journey into cyberspace! I will conquer it, just like I conquer all things.

Comments (2)

Beth Esda  
I just found your blog and it sounds interesting :)

Pam  
Many thanks to you, Beth! Glad to be making new friends!

 

**Illness is weakness leaving the body, sometimes through gushing bodily fluids.**

Baby Shaun keeps crying and has a fever, according to Metal Husband’s diagnostic program. I was going to try the Pam family home remedy, passed on through generations, but Metal Husband said using a hammer is old-fashioned medicine and insisted Pam take Baby Shaun to the doctor. #fixthebaby #naturalremedies

Comments (3)

Beth Esda  
Oh no, poor little guy. I hope he feels better soon!

Crunchy  
Did you take Baby to the doctor? Make sure not to let the doctor pressure you into any unneeded vaccinations. As a responsible parent, you should research about the damages vaccinations can cause, here's an informative website: http//vaccinationskillbabies.com I hope your baby feels better!

Pam  
You are an idiot. I will ban you now to the furthest reaches of cyberspace.You will feel Pam’s wrath – it burns like thousand suns!

 

**The party doesn't start till I come in like a flaming wrecking ball.**

Pam and family were invited to our neighbors’, the Smiths’, BBQ this weekend. I am super pleased as we were rudely left out the last time. I will definitely make my meatloaf surprise for the party. Many foes have fallen at the taste of my meatloaf surprise – it’s a powerful weapon with secret ingredients (This is for society's own good, because the meatloaf surprise can be devastating!). The recipe is too powerful in the hands of ordinary mortals, only Pam can wield a weapon like that. #yum

Comments(10)

Anonymous  
You didn't miss much at the last BBQ, Pam. It was a real drag, a flaming Vertibird fell in the backyard and flattened the bouncy house they rented for the kids. Then, the burgers Jerry made on the new grill he kept bragging about were overdone. Hopefully this upcoming BBQ will be much better; with you there, how can it not be? ;)

Pam  
Thank you, stranger neighbor, this information pleases me. I will admit that some schadenfreude is not beneath Pam. Of course, any party or social gathering is better with Pam there.

Survivorqueen  
Ooooh drama

Beth Esda  
I would love to taste your meatloaf, Pam!

(load more comments)

 

**A durable pet can touch your heart, as well as your other internal organs.**

I got Baby Shaun a pet. His name is Roachy and he is a Radroach. This breed has a really bad reputation, but Roachy is very well behaved. He even knows some tricks already, like how to dance. I found Roachy at a very busy time in my life. I feel that he chose me as much as I chose him. While I did not set out to adopt a pet, it happened anyway. It’s definitely fate that I found him because he is the perfect fit for our family. #petsarefamily

Here are some pictures of the new addition to our family!

(Click to read more)

Comments(10)

Rad Survivor  
Roachy looks like he fits into his new family perfectly. Baby Shaun must be so happy; every young boy needs a loyal pet!

Anonymous  
That poor baby is too close to that roach’s face! It only takes a split second for a bug of breed that to turn on you. My cousin was mauled by one as a child and needed 30 stitches. Please be careful.

WTF  
In this picture Baby Shaun is clearly pulling on the roach's antennae! This is animal abuse. Keep your out-of-control brat away from poor defenseless animals!

Pam  
Silence, fools! How dare you question the soul deep bond I have created between man and beast? I have created peace between species. Your concern trolling has no place here, begone!

(load more comments)

 

**A recipe to kill for.**

Here is Pam's family recipe for crab cakes. Baby and Metal Husband say that Pam’s crab cakes are the best in the world. Pam makes crab cakes all the time and it always reminds Pam of her childhood. I grew up in small town in a big family that valued togetherness. I remember family dinners every Sunday, where crab cakes were a frequent meal. Grandma Battle Axe taught Mother this very same recipe! Pam remembers fondly the summer afternoon that Mother passed down the family legacy to her. It was an important ceremony. Mother was wearing a floral dress and smelled like dish soap and vanilla. She stood at the kitchen counter next to small Pam and hummed a Benny Goodman tune while she taught tiny Pam how to form the cakes with my small weak child hands. Now I realize that creating a masterpiece with my own hands taught me that I was meant for godhood. From then on, I craved the defeat and subjugation of all that was around me...  
#familyrecipe (Click here to read more)

Comments (10)

Wasteland Wandering  
I made this tonight for dinner with my brood and it was so yummy! Even the youngest ate it and the radiation poisoning sores on his mouth make him a real picky eater. Thanks, Pam, for posting and sharing this great childhood memory!

Anonymous  
Just get to the recipe, lol, nobody cares about your tl;dr.

Survivor Queen  
This recipe looks delicious, but would imitation-crab work as a substitute, and what about vegan mayo?

(load more comments)

 

**Momma needs a new rocket launcher.**

My blog is new and needs more readers. I will review household products to get lucrative corporate sponsorships! My reviews are important, because what I say must be true. Pam is very trustworthy! The first product I will review is Abraxo household cleaning fluid. Abraxo is the best cleaning fluid for any home. Abraxo gets out all kinds of stains: grease, food, ink, blood, acid, ichor, it doesn’t matter. Abraxo does it all. When Baby Shaun and Metal Husband make a mess, Abraxo is what I use to smite all the stains. Abraxo also has a pleasant fresh scent that will make your house smell like an island paradise instead of a wasteland ruin. You will want to buy Abraxo now, yes? Abraxo sponsors Pam and increases Baby Shaun's college fund now!  
#sponsoredpost

15 comments

Knife Daddy  
It's a shame you’re selling out already, I will not be reading your blog if it's all corporate crap.

Todd  
I use Abraxo all the time and my hut in the desert has never looked more tidy and smelled so nice!

(load more comments)

**Interior decorating tips for the modern warrior woman.**

I realized recently that the house of Pam has been looking pretty dreary lately. I decided that my digs need a new look. I pondered what kind of new style I wanted for my home. Scavenger chic? Rustic hideout? Minimalist metallic fallout shelter? I was taught to sew as a girl and have some leather making skills so I decided to make some new throw pillows for the living room out of leather from an old pair of combat boots and curtains from some looted Woolsworth dresses. As an extra touch, I found some vintage bullet casings to bead into the curtain frills! Below are my very easy to follow instructions, so you can DIY your own home in a way that will impress even the snootiest wasteland-raider guest!

(Click here to read more)

20 comments

SurvivorQueen  
Ever since those looters hit our house last month I've been feeling really bummed out about the state of my place, with these tips I can really invigorate my style.Thanks, Pam!

NukaGirl  
I envy your craft skills! You’re so talented!

Anonymous  
LOL, looks tacky as fuck.

(load more comments)

 

**Wasting away in a Radiationville.**

Me and my beloved family went on our long awaited vacation to the desert wasteland this week. It was a great time filled with lots of smiles, great food, relaxation, and dead raiders and radioactive feral dogs. Baby Shaun was super well-behaved and had a great time. Metal Husband got us lost in the desert several times, but don't tell him I told you that, dear readers. I got a banging tan and looked great in my new feathered dress and cute sunglasses. Here's some pictures of our great vacation!

(Click here to read more)

15 comments

Wasteland Wandering  
You look fantastic, Pam, how did you get such a vacation-ready bod, what's your secret?

Pam  
A lady never tells her beauty secrets. I will take those dark secrets to the grave with me: everything I have seen, what I have done, and what I have sacrificed. These are legends that only those who have walked through hellfire have the capacity to understand. But yoga and rejuvenating face masks made of the blood of my enemies work wonders!

(load more comments)

 

**Inner beauty can be outer beauty if you're turned inside out in a freak radiation accident.**

I was looking through old yearbooks and was reminded how hard adolescence was. Pam was not always a fierce and radiant warrior. This is shocking, isn’t it? I used to spend hours in front of the mirror every morning, trying to make myself pretty. I wore too much makeup and it was obvious I was trying too hard. Body issues are a bitch for a teenage girl.

I have my friends to thank that I developed confidence as time went on. My two best friends told me constantly how powerful and beautiful I was. They encouraged me to stop wearing makeup, said the natural look really brought out my eyes. I lost contact with them after high school but sometimes when I feel nostalgic, the thought of them warms my cold dead heart. If you're out there know that I have never forgotten you, you good, good boys. #innerbeauty #iwokeuplikethis #throwbackthursday

Comments (20)

Nukagirl  
What an inspirational post, thank you, Pam.

SurvivorQueen  
Are you saying makeup is bad? Makeup is my choice!

Anonymous  
You really are very pretty!

(load more comments)

 

**Good riddance to muscular garbage.**

Pam must admit something personal to her readers. Some may think this confession shameful, but I think my readers deserve complete honesty. Pam and Metal Husband were not always happily married. Many years ago, I married a man-baby named Trash Hulk. Our marriage was doomed from the start, but I was young and naive, and then a baby came and I felt trapped.

Metal Husband worked as a domestic helper. His arms were firm and metallic and comforted me in my time of need, which is what I look for in a man. He also had gun attachments for hands, and Pam is a sucker for a man with artillery. There was a spark between us I could not deny. Even the Almighty Pam could not resist his chrome allure. I didn't mean to fall in love, but the heart wants what the heart wants, even a cold black heart like mine.

Others will judge me but I know I needed to do what was right for me for once. After much soul searching in the wasteland and cathartic violence, I came to the decision to leave the no-good man-baby Trash Hulk and make a new life with Metal Husband. I will not ask for forgiveness, not even God can judge me. I hope my dear readers can understand my point of view. I did what was right for myself and my family, and really, isn't that the point of feminism? #fleshmensuck #metalisbetter

Comments (35)

 NukaGirl  
What happened to Trash Hulk? Does he have partial custody?

Pam  
Trash Hulk was reduced to a quantum state and then frozen. He is no longer part of our lives. But Pam and Baby are better off without him.

SurvivorQueen  
If he was a manbaby, then good riddance to him, you're very brave to admit this, Pam.

Pam  
Thank you for your support, Survivor Queen. It's good that Pam has loyal fans like you!

Anonymous  
Have great sex now, free samples of the best all natural male enhancement on the market. Vaulttech Blue satisfies the ladies click here getahardonnow.biz

Pam  
Pam has no needs for pills. Metal husband has no penis. Go away, medicine seller, your science has no use here. Pam knows how to be sexually satisfied!

(load more comments)

 

**Children are our doomed future.**

I have been thinking lately that children grow up so fast these days, due to radiation, that Metal Husband and I needed to discuss schooling options for Baby Shaun. Metal Husband and I agreed that the mainstream wasteland school system was not a good fit for our precious and unique son.Therefore, we will be homeschooling in order to mold Baby Shaun into the coming messiah I know he can be. #myindigocoloredradiatedchild #parentinginthewastland

Comments(30)

Nukagirl  
I'm glad you found an option that works for you! I also home school my kids, since the local elementary school blew up (thankfully it was Saturday at the time). I've been homeschooling my boys; they love it, because PE at home includes target practice, which they find much more enjoyable than dodgeball, and of course much less violent, LOL.

RaiderLady  
You should do what's best for your son!

Anonymous  
You sound like a crazy fundie, lol

(load more comments)

 

**A new addition to my nuclear family**

Pam has exciting news to share with her dear readers! This has been a long time coming and took a lot of soul searching and multiple tries with the help of the newest in cutting edge technology, but Pam has finally been blessed with a second child. Pam has hoped to share a child with metal husband for long time, although Metal Husband has been satisfactory father to Baby Shaun. I know it means a lot to Metal Husband to give Pam a son they can share. I am currently 5 months pregnant with new life and both me and the baby are doing fine. I cannot wait to meet my new precious boy. Once again I will bless this toxic hellhole with my spawn, I am truly #blessed  
#babybump

Comments(50)

NukaGirl  
Congrats

SurvivorQueen  
OMG CONGRATULATIONS!

Beth Esda  
Congrats to you and your family Pam!

(load more comments)

**Author's Note:**

> Spot the Monster Factory Easter eggs!


End file.
